Stumbling Through Sadness- Inability to Express My Grief

Blue Night, an acrylic painting by me

One would think that a life changing event, one that is so emotionally overwhelming, would give a writer a flood of material to get that emotion out onto the page. I wanted to write something beautiful; poetry and prose that perfectly conveys all the emotion I’m filled with. I wanted you to be able to see and feel the amazing person my mom-in-law was. The joy and laughter, awesome sense of humor, the exuberant love, and the passion for life she brought this world. 

But I can’t. I painstakingly cried my way through that first week of agony wrote her obituary, and though it was nice, it did not portray her true personality, nor was it profoundly moving. I’ve had the urge to write, but haven’t been able to get through it. Somehow writing it down makes it more real that she’s gone. Every time I’ve started, I didn’t like what came out, if anything did at all. 

I want to write something powerful. Something awe-inspiring, full of wisdom; an elegant verse that will bring a little bit of healing to everyone’s heart that has lost someone they love. Maybe someday I will, but for now I at least wanted to share what’s going on. Why my last few posts were just informational, when they usually have some sarcasm or humor in them.

I’m trying to be strong for my kids who are too young to understand. For my husband who lost his mother. To get through the days and take care of business. But there is a big dark hole in the spot she filled and when I am not going a hundred miles and hour, keeping my mind busy and full, it aches. Tears fall on their own at times with no warning. I know the pain will lessen, but it can never be filled by anyone else.

My (now) hubby and I at my work Christmas party. We’d been dating a little over a year. Found this pic in my old photo wallet. Remember those? Before cell phones had pics!

She was always there for me, since I was 19; still just a kid. She was my surrogate mother. When my mom lived far away, she was the one I went to for my mommy hugs when I needed one. She was the one I vented to about her son when he was irritating the heck out of me! She was the one who smiled brightest at my kids, even when they were dirty and whining because they were too tired to still be up, but we were at Grandma’s, so played by Grandma’s rules. She brought all the family together and no one could top her big loud laugh, nor resist laughing along with her.

There’s more. So much more. Those close to her know and will always remember.

We’re doing okay, we will heal. Our new dog, Max, has been a fun distraction that has brought lots of smiles the past couple of weeks.

You can read about that on my (currently) much more enjoyable cat blog. I wrote a humorous account of how our cats have been helping us laugh and the why’s and how’s of surprising my little family with a new dog.